Tag: lebanon

by jad

R.I.P. Dad

At last, you are together again. Rest well, dad. Your pain has ceased. “IMAGINE A POSTCARD FROM BEIRUT”a post card by @natasa_bergk,scanned on a Konica Minolta 2100. What do you imagine? I see hospital beds. I see the slow murder of hopes and dreams. Imagine a postcard from Beirut. A picture-perfect vista so chockablock with injustice that it’s a solid mass. Just a solid wall with no cartoon tunnel painted on. Just blank and impenetrable. We can’t see the vista anymore. What do you see? Tomorrow’s Veterans Day, an awkward day for an immigrant and an Arab too, ajallak. It … Continue reading “R.I.P. Dad” →

by jad

10/10: World Mental Health Day

Today is 10/10, which is World Mental Health Day, a good time as any to check in with ourselves at least once every 12 months. This post is about that, in a way. In it, you’ll find outtakes from my trip to Lebanon over Christmas. There’s a word I’m searching for to describe the kind of emptiness one feels after sharing something vulnerable with people with little capacity to help. In my case, the imperative to share has been relentlessly vampiric; one is asked how one is doing almost as a chore, and one’s answer is sucked out so painfully, … Continue reading “10/10: World Mental Health Day” →

by jad

One More Prayer to Keep Me Safe

I’m taking part in a weekly discussion group that touches on topics of (dis)connection and (not) belonging, among other things, and last night, the themes of “purpose” and “gift” came up in conversation. A participant at my table shared how he came to be an end-of-life caretaker, something he never “wanted” but found himself profoundly prepared and equipped to do. He talked about how his journey of finding his purpose was a process of learning to let go of what the ego thinks it wants. This was the second time in two days that the notion of “purpose” has come … Continue reading “One More Prayer to Keep Me Safe” →

by jad

I Confess that Nothing was Planned

I wrote something before I went to the rally for Lebanon on Broadway. I described how a lot of people were asking me variations of a question: how are you? And when I showed up, I was still in that headspace. The one where I’d replied in the best way I could. Honestly, concisely, with equal-parts appreciation and reserve. I went to the protest out of a sense of duty, but I was feeling burnt out, and it was probably showing in my photography. I’d admitted that I’d been copy-pasting a few replies. I tried to be genuine without over-performing … Continue reading “I Confess that Nothing was Planned” →

by jad

I Am Grief

These double-exposures came about by reloading the roll that got stuck when my Ricoh point and shoot stopped working into a Nikon SLR; the frames clearly didn’t align properly, and the original frames were somehow flipped. No matter. These work well in visualizing my deep dislocation being here while Lebanon’s under attack. It’s a heavy, jumbled up feeling, but — irony of ironies — it’s far from unfamiliar. This slow, rolling rumble of indignation; I’ve felt it before. This gnaw of fear; I’m used to the feeling. These pangs of guilt; they’re always there. It’s all second nature, at this … Continue reading “I Am Grief” →

by jad

Basic Filmmaking

This is the very first project I made in a “Basic Filmmaking” summer intensive I did at NYU back in 2006. It’s shot on Kodak 16mm film using an old Arriflex and was hand spliced and screened silently for a class led by Katherine Lindberg, who seems to be still teaching there. I don’t remember what the project prompt was, but I loved how she intuitively got what I was about. She would later tell me (approvingly) that I “like to poke sticks.” She didn’t let me quit on myself when Israel’s shelling of Beirut started to mess with my … Continue reading “Basic Filmmaking” →

by jad

Light-Dark

I posted this image on a Sunday in 2013, a couple of days after taking the photo at a Catholic spiritual retreat I was gently compelled to go to by my parents – I wasn’t a fan of the church at the time. The image is taken from a workbook, and I seem to recall that the ocular illustration was meant to convey some theological concept or another — from aleph, the lid, to dal, the pupil — but I don’t remember what. “Contemplate,” it says. I do remember that this retreat was the first time I learned what an … Continue reading “Light-Dark” →

by jad

R.I.P. Piper

I had a really good day on my last day in Houston. Everything seemed to flow well, like a gentle brook, all the way through to takeoff when the plane synced up with the on-board “house mix” I had playing in my earbuds. Everything felt right, even when plans changed or there were unexpected delays. I felt happy and whole. And that whole time I was feeling that way, our beloved blind cat in Lebanon was rapidly dying from a blood clot, unbeknownst to me. I’m thinking about that disjunction, now that Piper has passed. Was I being prepared for … Continue reading “R.I.P. Piper” →

by jad

Valentine

Next year, it’ll be 20 years since a defining moment in my life and in the lives millions of people in Lebanon, which feels unthinkable, so I’d rather do that thinking today, when it’s “only” been 19 – where has the time gone? On Valentine’s Day in 2005, a massive car bomb tore through Rafik Hariri’s motorcade and changed the course of Lebanese history. That’s saying a lot in a storied place like that, but this is my witness, and for me and for my generation, the arc of time abruptly swerved off of its tracks that day. I rethought … Continue reading “Valentine” →

by jad

Stuck on Repeat

I brought a bunch of my old CDs back with me from Lebanon, prioritizing the harder-to-find local releases I listened to in high school and undergrad, like Soap Kills, Scrambled Eggs, Zeid and the Wings, and the one and only major label release by the 90s rap group, Aks’ser. That album in particular is a weird trip back down memory lane, which is appropriate enough, given the transport metaphor in the group’s name (it can be read as both “going the wrong way down a one-way street” and “against the current”). It features several self-referential call-backs to earlier parts of … Continue reading “Stuck on Repeat” →