Tag: identity

by jad

Lebanon: Day 8

Today’s my last day here. Yesterday, Christine picked up on an “extra sweetness” in my messages, asking me if feeling nostalgic now that my time in Lebanon is coming to an end. I replied: “I’m being sappy I guess.” She put her finger on the pulse: “It’s more than sappy, I think. I can’t imagine having your heart split in two places. And I think that’s what you’re feeling right now. The beautiful agony of knowing you cannot be in two places at once.” I cried. Today is a day to remember. Thousands of families have forced a new status … Continue reading “Lebanon: Day 8” →

by jad

Lebanon: Day 7

I’m nearing the end of my time here in Lebanon. Pages are turning, chapters are closing, narratives are being bookended, and parentheticals are emerging like ducks in a row. It’s gratifying, for example, to see how far @ridersrightslb, the afterlife of the @busmapproject I started working on 10 years ago, has come. I might say more about that at some point. It’s good to put faces to internet names and make new friends. It’s also nice to go with the flow more often. This country isn’t kind to sticks in the mud. There have been days when I’ve slowed down … Continue reading “Lebanon: Day 7” →

by jad

My Brain’s War Correspondent

People’s reactions to my trip to Lebanon have been thematically consistent. Most tell me that they’re thinking of me and praying for me; some say that they’ll miss me; even those who don’t know my reasons for travel have responded with a mix of investment and alarm. That’s a product of Lebanon’s place in the headlines since my last trip, I suppose. It’s been sweet to receive these sentiments, but the cumulative effect of it all is a mild sense of foreboding. Do people know something I don’t? Will I not make it back? What’s going on? That sense is … Continue reading “My Brain’s War Correspondent” →

by jad

Revolutionary Re-Enchantment

I’m fascinated by what draws people to occupy particular positions. In two very different organizations, I’ve heard bristling against the bogey of “identity politics,” which seems to act as shorthand for everything from managerialist “DEI” box-ticking tactics and the whole of Kamala’s campaign to the very erasure of class. It also borders on being a thought-terminating cliché. More interestingly, though, is when it seems to name a kind of permission for some to “speak again,” with all the problematics that come with that. It’s not just a racist dog-whistle; it’s a grasping at words in between stutters and hesitations. I’ve … Continue reading “Revolutionary Re-Enchantment” →

by jad

R.I.P. Dad

At last, you are together again. Rest well, dad. Your pain has ceased. “IMAGINE A POSTCARD FROM BEIRUT”a post card by @natasa_bergk,scanned on a Konica Minolta 2100. What do you imagine? I see hospital beds. I see the slow murder of hopes and dreams. Imagine a postcard from Beirut. A picture-perfect vista so chockablock with injustice that it’s a solid mass. Just a solid wall with no cartoon tunnel painted on. Just blank and impenetrable. We can’t see the vista anymore. What do you see? Tomorrow’s Veterans Day, an awkward day for an immigrant and an Arab too, ajallak. It … Continue reading “R.I.P. Dad” →

by jad

10/10: World Mental Health Day

Today is 10/10, which is World Mental Health Day, a good time as any to check in with ourselves at least once every 12 months. This post is about that, in a way. In it, you’ll find outtakes from my trip to Lebanon over Christmas. There’s a word I’m searching for to describe the kind of emptiness one feels after sharing something vulnerable with people with little capacity to help. In my case, the imperative to share has been relentlessly vampiric; one is asked how one is doing almost as a chore, and one’s answer is sucked out so painfully, … Continue reading “10/10: World Mental Health Day” →

by jad

One More Prayer to Keep Me Safe

I’m taking part in a weekly discussion group that touches on topics of (dis)connection and (not) belonging, among other things, and last night, the themes of “purpose” and “gift” came up in conversation. A participant at my table shared how he came to be an end-of-life caretaker, something he never “wanted” but found himself profoundly prepared and equipped to do. He talked about how his journey of finding his purpose was a process of learning to let go of what the ego thinks it wants. This was the second time in two days that the notion of “purpose” has come … Continue reading “One More Prayer to Keep Me Safe” →

by jad

We Are Nonlinear

I woke up today to some messages from a friend in Syria who’d read the Imam’s thoughts on our habitual selves that I’d shared, lamenting the things one does habitually that one just hates; things like checking one’s phone as soon as one wakes, which made me smile, because that’s exactly what I was doing. The thing is: there’s a reason why we need imams and priests and gym instructors — the people who habitually preach to us about habits — to remind us again and again about the things we do over and over, and that reason is that … Continue reading “We Are Nonlinear” →

by jad

Costa Rica: Day 9

After another full day of travel with the usual modern inconveniences of bare minimum offerings for exorbitant prices, constant gate changes and delays, topped off with the most sour-faced boarding pass attendant who probably got her customer training as a prison warden (it was Texas, after all), we’re finally home. And it’s good to say “home.” While I’m not ready to return to real life, I’m happy to be back. This wasn’t my first trip as an American citizen, but, as Christine insightfully put it on our way to the airport, this was my first trip as an American — … Continue reading “Costa Rica: Day 9” →

by jad

Costa Rica: Day 8

Today’s our last full day in Costa Rica and if it hasn’t become disgustingly obvious to you, it is very much clear to me how spoiled we’ve been here. It almost breaks my heart to feel this refreshed and renewed. This is where we’re spending our last few nights. How is this our life? It isn’t — this is only temporary. And yet, what is life but temporary? Is this disassociation, or is this mindful presence? It’s both. It’s the shoreline of our dual realities, sometimes lapping, sometimes crashing, always churning and changing — life’s metabolism. The creation myth of … Continue reading “Costa Rica: Day 8” →