Tag: mental health

by jad

Finding Inspiration in the Mundane (and a Muralist’s Secrets)

A post that @onemonthtwocameras made about finding inspiration in the everyday when every day feels exactly the same, and a conversation with my acupuncturist, who is low-key morphing into my talk therapist, conspired to spring this idea into my head. A simple trick for extracting a new perspective from the mundane. Ever since we moved to this neighborhood, we traded chaos for calm and lost a little bit of stimulation along the way. I also haven’t really felt like stepping very far out of our bubble unless absolutely necessary, and that’s meant a little bit of mental stagnation. That’s the … Continue reading “Finding Inspiration in the Mundane (and a Muralist’s Secrets)” →

by jad

The Mundane Places We Have Left

I saw this Reel the other day of a guy getting in and out of bed on loop as the voices of anxiety and the fear of starvation take turns convincing him to stay put and/or get up and at ’em, and I couldn’t think of a better synecdoche of my energy since settling back into the flow of things here. There’s so much to do and so little motivation to do it, and yet we must, we must — muss es sein? es muss sein! — infinitely recurring, forever. x It feels like the avenues for maneuvering are narrowing … Continue reading “The Mundane Places We Have Left” →

by jad

Turned Upside Down

I did some art therapy today. Here’s my piece. The session was about processing grief however we might define it, and we were to use water, hodgepodge, and these colored bits of tissue paper that bleed ink when dabbed or spritzed with moisture. I knew I wanted to use squares and grabbed a stack and two large pieces of red and black and started with the shape they made when I’d set them on the desk. I was initially focused on how I felt, but as I repeated the red and black motif, I started thinking of dad and the … Continue reading “Turned Upside Down” →

by jad

Grove of the Grievers

“I’ll never stop looking for a signGive me a signGive me a sign I’ll never stop looking for a signGive me a signGive me a sign I’ll never stop looking for a signGive me a signGive me a sign.” Every year for the past several, I come to this retreat and hope for a reset, and every year it feels hollow or incomplete. This year is not radically different, but a shift has undeniably happened as well. A shift in me but also a shift in the things that have trapped me in this cycle of hope and frustration—a shift … Continue reading “Grove of the Grievers” →

by jad

Fragile Frames

The tension between slowing down and keeping up the fight; between becoming useful and being left the hell alone; between caring less and caring so much more. That’s what how this feels. Like springtime in Seattle: the tension between two fronts. There’s a season for all things; a time for expansion and a time for contraction; a time for exploration and a time to make up your mind; a time to think and a time to act. That’s how this feels. Like an inflection point. A nonlinear timeline in the upper-left corner. “Do you feel fragmented?” A friend asked me … Continue reading “Fragile Frames” →

by jad

The Windmills of my Mind

My sister found and sent me a picture of a single-serving carton of the chocolate milk we both grew up on and it looked exactly the same. This set me off into a slow moving spiral of sappy nostalgia, like a wheel within a wheel, you might say, a mood that I was already in this morning, having just finished a roll of film that was in my dad’s Kodak Advantix camera—a roll he’d loaded some decades ago but never used. So now I’m sharing these random moments I’ve collected around town; quiet moments in the noise. I found my … Continue reading “The Windmills of my Mind” →

by jad

Existential Jet Lag

I was checking my calendar to see if it was time to poke the photo lab about my Lebanon rolls when it occurred to me that I hadn’t even been back two weeks yet; why does it feel longer? Why does so much feel like existential jet lag right now? Twice in the last week, I’ve weirded myself out with my emotional responses or non-responses to things that came up. Shying away from conflict when I don’t normally; having a meltdown in a way I don’t recognize as myself; both ends of the spectrum, but both feeling foreign. There’s something … Continue reading “Existential Jet Lag” →

by jad

I’m Dreaming of My Father

An odd sensation brought me to consciousness around 3:30 am this morning; maybe you’ve experienced it too, when the dream state begins to gain lucidity and the director’s commentary becomes audible, and you slowly start to realize that you’re dreaming before you’re awoken. This happened to me, and it left me tossing and turning, dipping and out of sleep for the next four hours. I’d been dreaming of dad. I can’t remember the last time I did that; I’m sure it’s been decades. I realized I was dreaming as we made our way through some Jeff Koons-esque mall and into … Continue reading “I’m Dreaming of My Father” →

by jad

Don’t Be Like Me

After 6 and a half years, I finally took up my machete and hacked my way through the mind maze that is the American healthcare system. I found myself a primary care provider; today was my first appointment. I told her to feel free to talk to me like I was five, because I didn’t know a single thing, and I immediately proved myself by not knowing that insurance companies categorize different types of visits differently. Would this be my annual? I literally only get one a year. I don’t know, doc, you tell me. So, they gave me two … Continue reading “Don’t Be Like Me” →

by jad

10/10: World Mental Health Day

Today is 10/10, which is World Mental Health Day, a good time as any to check in with ourselves at least once every 12 months. This post is about that, in a way. In it, you’ll find outtakes from my trip to Lebanon over Christmas. There’s a word I’m searching for to describe the kind of emptiness one feels after sharing something vulnerable with people with little capacity to help. In my case, the imperative to share has been relentlessly vampiric; one is asked how one is doing almost as a chore, and one’s answer is sucked out so painfully, … Continue reading “10/10: World Mental Health Day” →