Tag: grief

by jad

I Grieve The Son

This photo is mostly generative AI. I found a tiny thumbnail of a time before core memory, a mere 960 x 899 pixels and 336 kilobytes of perhaps the most important document in our possession, and ran it through Photoshop’s “generative extend” tool, because I barely recognized it. It was already uncanny. There’s my mother and father, but who is that child? I asked mom and she, with a slight hint of urgency, solved the mystery: “Habibiii it’s youu.” It just didn’t look real. Even the kid looks mildly suspicious. So, I ran the generative fill again and again until … Continue reading “I Grieve The Son” →

by jad

R.I.P. Dad

At last, you are together again. Rest well, dad. Your pain has ceased. “IMAGINE A POSTCARD FROM BEIRUT”a post card by @natasa_bergk,scanned on a Konica Minolta 2100. What do you imagine? I see hospital beds. I see the slow murder of hopes and dreams. Imagine a postcard from Beirut. A picture-perfect vista so chockablock with injustice that it’s a solid mass. Just a solid wall with no cartoon tunnel painted on. Just blank and impenetrable. We can’t see the vista anymore. What do you see? Tomorrow’s Veterans Day, an awkward day for an immigrant and an Arab too, ajallak. It … Continue reading “R.I.P. Dad” →

by jad

So Much Love in Me

I heard a live recording of Depeche Mode’s So Much Love for the first time today that amplifies the level of menace to the lyrics that’s in the original version, though much less viscerally and in your face: I can’t runI have triedThere’s a thornIn my sideThere is somethingI can’t hide There is so much love in me. Dave’s voice sounds angry against the mechanical rum-pum-pum beat that’s a lot more spartan and martial than the original mix, giving the whole a charged air of protest. There is something so resonant in this for me. I have said this a … Continue reading “So Much Love in Me” →

by jad

The Horse is Dead

Whatever was on the lake,Will wash up on the shore. Too many people will have too much to say today. I was pretty sure I’d say nothing. What more is there to say, anyway? What more can be said that hasn’t already been said? The horse is dead. The horse stinks to high heaven. No one is changing their mind today. I doubt anyone’s changing their mind again. But I had to go out for a walk to keep from doom scrolling. I brought my camera with me and took these photos. I had my headphones on too; this song … Continue reading “The Horse is Dead” →

by jad

Spooky Season

It’s Holga Week, a time to celebrate crappy optics at the very worst time of year, when days are short, and light is in short supply. Isn’t tradition fun? It’s very much an exercise in film photography, but I’ve enjoyed using my Holga Lens for digital cameras in years past as well, because why not? I wouldn’t say I’m enjoying it this year. In fact, I hate it, and that’s a good thing, because there’s a lot of hatred in my heart right now. Maybe that’s coming through. Maybe these frames are as ugly as I’m feeling. Every day I … Continue reading “Spooky Season” →

by jad

I Confess that Nothing was Planned

I wrote something before I went to the rally for Lebanon on Broadway. I described how a lot of people were asking me variations of a question: how are you? And when I showed up, I was still in that headspace. The one where I’d replied in the best way I could. Honestly, concisely, with equal-parts appreciation and reserve. I went to the protest out of a sense of duty, but I was feeling burnt out, and it was probably showing in my photography. I’d admitted that I’d been copy-pasting a few replies. I tried to be genuine without over-performing … Continue reading “I Confess that Nothing was Planned” →

by jad

I Am Grief

These double-exposures came about by reloading the roll that got stuck when my Ricoh point and shoot stopped working into a Nikon SLR; the frames clearly didn’t align properly, and the original frames were somehow flipped. No matter. These work well in visualizing my deep dislocation being here while Lebanon’s under attack. It’s a heavy, jumbled up feeling, but — irony of ironies — it’s far from unfamiliar. This slow, rolling rumble of indignation; I’ve felt it before. This gnaw of fear; I’m used to the feeling. These pangs of guilt; they’re always there. It’s all second nature, at this … Continue reading “I Am Grief” →

by jad

A Place for Grief

Last week, I watched someone pour ashes by a bench at this park. I’d noticed her sitting with an older woman with a bright purple bouquet next to them that caught my eye, and within seconds, she got up and started pouring out the ashes from a small plastic baggie. My heart skipped a beat like I’d encroached on a private moment, but there was no helping it; I was seated in the car parked right next to them. I was sharing this moment, whether I’d planned to or not. I said a silent prayer as we peeled away. Eventually, … Continue reading “A Place for Grief” →

by jad

The Machine is Broken

“This machine is broken.” You can’t read it, but that’s what the piece of paper says in the third and fourth slides. I took these Polaroids earlier today because I’ve been searching for a means to articulate a melancholy that’s become neck deep; a feeling of fundamental disjunction between how I spend my days and my weeks and what this particular time in history is actively asking of you and me. There’s a break between my life’s work and our common purpose that’s become increasingly impossible to ignore. How are we to look back on our actions today?How am I … Continue reading “The Machine is Broken” →

by jad

R.I.P. Piper

I had a really good day on my last day in Houston. Everything seemed to flow well, like a gentle brook, all the way through to takeoff when the plane synced up with the on-board “house mix” I had playing in my earbuds. Everything felt right, even when plans changed or there were unexpected delays. I felt happy and whole. And that whole time I was feeling that way, our beloved blind cat in Lebanon was rapidly dying from a blood clot, unbeknownst to me. I’m thinking about that disjunction, now that Piper has passed. Was I being prepared for … Continue reading “R.I.P. Piper” →