Tag: grief

by jad

Existential Jet Lag

I was checking my calendar to see if it was time to poke the photo lab about my Lebanon rolls when it occurred to me that I hadn’t even been back two weeks yet; why does it feel longer? Why does so much feel like existential jet lag right now? Twice in the last week, I’ve weirded myself out with my emotional responses or non-responses to things that came up. Shying away from conflict when I don’t normally; having a meltdown in a way I don’t recognize as myself; both ends of the spectrum, but both feeling foreign. There’s something … Continue reading “Existential Jet Lag” →

by jad

They Say Your Name is Amelia

The woman murdered by immolation in the New York subway was already sentenced to death by a society built on the ever-present threat of immiseration. The flames were stoked by a policing regime that serves and protects only property—it cannot see those without. And the fire roared and rose on the fuel of a spectacle we’ve been trained on for over a year—we no longer watch bodies burn with alarm. This is the new normal. Aaron told us so. And now she is ash that is still smoldering on the coals of reaction. Sister, they say your name is Amelia.You … Continue reading “They Say Your Name is Amelia” →

by jad

This Advent

Christmas is next week and soon it will be Epiphany, and then I’ll be boarding a flight I’ve been anticipating for a long time. I can’t believe it’s almost here. A few days after the news first broke, a coworker who’d experienced similar heartbreak and had been there for me in the long, liminal months of waiting, walked into my office with a silent, sad smile on her face; I smiled back and said: “The hour has finally come, huh?” She said: “Yeah…” Well, the hour has been striking ever since, and I’m still here in this liminal time — … Continue reading “This Advent” →

by jad

R.I.P. Velvet Q

I went to a funeral on Friday the 13th. It was the official end of Velvet Q, a local band we’ve loved and seen so many times over the years; this is Mallory writing the final set lists. I have two of those from concerts past. I didn’t take one of these. “While there are people still to miss me—I’m trying to die / I’m trying to say goodbye.” How much grieving is too much grieving? When are you allowed to become angry again? How does that song go again? Ah, yes. “I am a rock-bottom riser. And I owe … Continue reading “R.I.P. Velvet Q” →

by jad

32 Days

I didn’t want to mark a month, busying myself with the various “protagonisms” of the day, broadly understood. But now, 2 days later, the feelings are catching up with me. I’m thinking about all the arguing we’d be doing after the apparent “shattering” of the axis; he’d be telling me not to fall for the propaganda and I’d be insisting that he’s missing my point. I hear his voice in every cringe opinion I listen to among my new-found comrades so wrapped up in their “position in the imperial core” that they forget what it actually means to be “internationalist.” … Continue reading “32 Days” →

by jad

I Brought My Dad With Me

We went to see @lpgiobbi at the @showbox last night and ended up standing right behind her parents for the first half of her set. The whole place seemed full of friends and family, greeting and hugging each other around the stage, purposefully designed to be “in the round” to add to that feeling of intimacy. In fact, Leah’s whole tour was designed to align with Thanksgiving, ending with a show in her hometown of Eugene. It’s the “Way Back Home” tour. There was something absolutely infectious about this sweet familial atmosphere; kisses were blown from across the decks, signs … Continue reading “I Brought My Dad With Me” →

by jad

I’m Dreaming of My Father

An odd sensation brought me to consciousness around 3:30 am this morning; maybe you’ve experienced it too, when the dream state begins to gain lucidity and the director’s commentary becomes audible, and you slowly start to realize that you’re dreaming before you’re awoken. This happened to me, and it left me tossing and turning, dipping and out of sleep for the next four hours. I’d been dreaming of dad. I can’t remember the last time I did that; I’m sure it’s been decades. I realized I was dreaming as we made our way through some Jeff Koons-esque mall and into … Continue reading “I’m Dreaming of My Father” →

by jad

Don’t Be Like Me

After 6 and a half years, I finally took up my machete and hacked my way through the mind maze that is the American healthcare system. I found myself a primary care provider; today was my first appointment. I told her to feel free to talk to me like I was five, because I didn’t know a single thing, and I immediately proved myself by not knowing that insurance companies categorize different types of visits differently. Would this be my annual? I literally only get one a year. I don’t know, doc, you tell me. So, they gave me two … Continue reading “Don’t Be Like Me” →

by jad

It Was Only Day One

This morning, I informed yet another set of community members of my father’s passing, and we exchanged pleasantries over bacon and eggs, which was nice, but generally within standard procedure. But one elderly gentleman surprised me with a question: “were you close or estranged?” I answered with something about that liminal space in between, sharing a little about the tensions of being back home over Christmas knowing that it would be the last, trying to deepen the connection but failing. He offered a coffee date to talk about it 1-1 some more, if I wanted, and shared a little about … Continue reading “It Was Only Day One” →

by jad

A Very Important Man Back Home

My father entered his death throws on the same night we all realized that Trump would be the 47th president of the United States. My mother called an ambulance as per standard procedure and we braced ourselves for the end. He resisted for five more days. My mother has a photo of my dad holding the remote control in his hospital bed. He was still interested in knowing what’s going on. I wonder if he heard the news that we were all reconciling ourselves with; I didn’t ask. There was something puzzlingly calming about holding our breath while the whole … Continue reading “A Very Important Man Back Home” →