Tag: looking back

by jad

Advent I

Today is the first Sunday of Advent, the start of a season that’s become a bit of a barometer of my mood every year. There have been years when I was energized and engaged, turning the weeks before Christmas into an art project or two, often using the prompts made by @adventword. And there are other years when I felt the exact opposite: drained, dejected, and disengaged. This year feels different in a new way. I’m somewhere in between. I’m busier than ever before, but I don’t want the same old rituals. Or maybe I want to engage with them … Continue reading “Advent I” →

by jad

I’m Dreaming of My Father

An odd sensation brought me to consciousness around 3:30 am this morning; maybe you’ve experienced it too, when the dream state begins to gain lucidity and the director’s commentary becomes audible, and you slowly start to realize that you’re dreaming before you’re awoken. This happened to me, and it left me tossing and turning, dipping and out of sleep for the next four hours. I’d been dreaming of dad. I can’t remember the last time I did that; I’m sure it’s been decades. I realized I was dreaming as we made our way through some Jeff Koons-esque mall and into … Continue reading “I’m Dreaming of My Father” →

by jad

I Grieve The Son

This photo is mostly generative AI. I found a tiny thumbnail of a time before core memory, a mere 960 x 899 pixels and 336 kilobytes of perhaps the most important document in our possession, and ran it through Photoshop’s “generative extend” tool, because I barely recognized it. It was already uncanny. There’s my mother and father, but who is that child? I asked mom and she, with a slight hint of urgency, solved the mystery: “Habibiii it’s youu.” It just didn’t look real. Even the kid looks mildly suspicious. So, I ran the generative fill again and again until … Continue reading “I Grieve The Son” →

by jad

One More Prayer to Keep Me Safe

I’m taking part in a weekly discussion group that touches on topics of (dis)connection and (not) belonging, among other things, and last night, the themes of “purpose” and “gift” came up in conversation. A participant at my table shared how he came to be an end-of-life caretaker, something he never “wanted” but found himself profoundly prepared and equipped to do. He talked about how his journey of finding his purpose was a process of learning to let go of what the ego thinks it wants. This was the second time in two days that the notion of “purpose” has come … Continue reading “One More Prayer to Keep Me Safe” →

by jad

Do Your Cameras Have Names?

Another thing we found while packing up our old place was Christine’s ultracompact digicam from 2014, the Canon PowerShot ELPH 340 HS, aka IXUS 265 HS in other markets. Here are a couple of shots I took on my way back from work today, all unedited and straight out of the camera. The story of how Christine came into possession of this camera that we’d all but forgotten about is pretty cool; in the months before she figured out how she was going to pull off packing up and moving all the way to join me in Lebanon—itself a minor … Continue reading “Do Your Cameras Have Names?” →

by jad

Disposable Memories

I found a disposable Kodak camera while packing up our old apartment that I must have had stuffed in a backpack or something, because it expired in 2014, four years before I moved to Seattle. I have no memory of buying it (was it in the UK?) and after taking a couple of shots with it, I realized that I had only ever taken two frames after I got it. So I used up the rest as we shuttled back and form, half expecting the roll to be completely nonviable—I mean, the thing endured a heat dome and possibly several … Continue reading “Disposable Memories” →

by jad

Liminal Time

I’m writing this post on my phone in an almost completely bare bedroom with spackling on the wall in front of me covering up the many holes Christine drilled there, being the handy Andy that she is; she’s leaving the place better than we found it. We’ve been alternating several nights separately, staying here and in our new place to make sure our more sensitive cat has time to acclimatize by herself, while not leaving our more spunky one alone for too long. And all of this shuttling back and forth, packing and unpacking, sweeping and spackling, is happening on … Continue reading “Liminal Time” →

by jad

Goodbye, Cascade

This strip of human existence by the urban wound that is I-5 has been a significant part of my Seattle experience since before I moved to this country, so I wanted to capture and keep some of it in our last weeks in the neighborhood. One of the first things we did once we moved here is set up our Wi-Fi to say “CascadeNotSLU,” and that’s all you need to know about how we feel about the neighborhood. We’ve seen this block go through many changes over the past six years, but the general rule with only one singular exception, … Continue reading “Goodbye, Cascade” →

by jad

Birthday Breakfast

We’re not quite moved out but we’ve started moving in; the liminal time in between. Empty rooms are beginning to take their form. Boundless time is beginning to clump up and congeal into rhythm and routine. This is our first morning waking up in a new act in this city. This is also the first light of yet another solar return. We’ve made it through. There is symbolism to this space. There’s a moral to our decisiveness and a lesson in our good fortune. It’s too early to find meaning in the day, but I’ll start making some anyway. This … Continue reading “Birthday Breakfast” →

by jad

U-Haul Season on LomoChrome ’92

It felt like spring had only just arrived, but now it’s time for another solstice; the wheel turns and stops for no one. The unrelenting march of time can mean many a thing to many a person, but in a city like ours, there is one certainty that it inevitably brings: U-Haul season is upon us. That’s right. After six years atop our brick tower, the time has come. I’ve walked these streets for about as long, occasionally catching myself playing “beyt byout” in my mind, wondering what it would be like to live behind that window or another, with … Continue reading “U-Haul Season on LomoChrome ’92” →