Tag: looking back

by jad

Valentine

Next year, it’ll be 20 years since a defining moment in my life and in the lives millions of people in Lebanon, which feels unthinkable, so I’d rather do that thinking today, when it’s “only” been 19 – where has the time gone? On Valentine’s Day in 2005, a massive car bomb tore through Rafik Hariri’s motorcade and changed the course of Lebanese history. That’s saying a lot in a storied place like that, but this is my witness, and for me and for my generation, the arc of time abruptly swerved off of its tracks that day. I rethought … Continue reading “Valentine” →

by jad

Stuck on Repeat

I brought a bunch of my old CDs back with me from Lebanon, prioritizing the harder-to-find local releases I listened to in high school and undergrad, like Soap Kills, Scrambled Eggs, Zeid and the Wings, and the one and only major label release by the 90s rap group, Aks’ser. That album in particular is a weird trip back down memory lane, which is appropriate enough, given the transport metaphor in the group’s name (it can be read as both “going the wrong way down a one-way street” and “against the current”). It features several self-referential call-backs to earlier parts of … Continue reading “Stuck on Repeat” →

by jad

Origin Story (Still in Progress)

I took this on my first ever photowalk today, using the digicam I brought back from Lebanon. I’m glad I brought it along, because it was -9 °C out and I could barely operate my other camera for more than a couple minutes at a time. I very quickly learned that I had the wrong gloves and lenses for staying nimble on a day like today. So, what was I thinking going out on one of the coldest days of the year to cosplay as photographer? I was thinking that I need to start getting out of my own way … Continue reading “Origin Story (Still in Progress)” →

by jad

Must It Be? It Must.

Before heading to Lebanon, I wondered about how it’d feel to see just how much of what I’d known had changed, and Christine wondered back: how will it feel to see how much of what I’d known is still the same? The answer to both those wonderings was “yes.” Yes, a lot has changed, and much of it saddened me, but shockingly a lot had not. Even my old haunts in Mar Mikhael, so badly affected in the blast, still feature familiar sites and names, despite it all. This gladdened my heart. So many had bounced back. And Hamra, more … Continue reading “Must It Be? It Must.” →

by jad

New Year’s Eve, 2023

There’s been an odd circularity to this year; an ouroboros of inner work that opened and is now closing the year on themes of loving others more deeply by tending more gently to oneself. Lully, lulla,thou little tiny child,by by, lully lullay. That hymn made me weep on the First of January and today, on the Thirty-First of December, the symmetry was not lost on me when I was asked to read these lines from a once-familiar lectern: “Because you are his sons, God sent the Spirit of his Son into our hearts, the Spirit who calls out, “Abba, Father.”” … Continue reading “New Year’s Eve, 2023” →

by jad

Re-Witnessing Lebanon

I asked @ouroboros.community what the cosmic soup had cooking for me, and this is what she said: “You are closing the calendar year with a gorgeous full moon in your sixth house of day-to-day life, work, and health. Even though the world wants us to make New Year’s resolutions, the transits currently want us to reflect on the past. How far have you come regarding these areas? How much do you feel supported by your community?” x I found my old #CanonPowerShot A710IS while rummaging through boxes at my parent’s place and was pleasantly surprised to see a bunch of … Continue reading “Re-Witnessing Lebanon” →

by jad

Father of my Father

I woke up to a surprise this morning; my dad had sent me a photo his brother had sent him after their other brother had shown him an old family album that none of us had ever seen. In fact, this is the first time I’ve ever seen my grandfather. It’s fitting and bittersweet to see his face and my dad’s chubby smile today. I’m heading back home for the first time in five years tomorrow—the first time since I arrived here, and the first time since becoming American. It’s fitting and bittersweet because my heritage is as complicated as … Continue reading “Father of my Father” →

by jad

Soon it will be Christmas Day

“City sidewalks, busy sidewalksdressed in holiday style.In the air there’sa feeling of Christmas.” I’m going back home for Christmas for the first time in five years. My mother asked if I’d be upset to see our old place decorated; she knows how I’ve been feeling for the past month or so, and even Bethlehem is canceling the festivities. I told her no, quite the opposite. Christmas joy is what keeps my hope alive. The last time the festive season found me this blue-tinged, we were in the depths of the pandemic, and now that feeling always reminds me of this … Continue reading “Soon it will be Christmas Day” →

by jad

(NON)INCONJUNCT

For those of you who’ve been following for a while, you might have noticed that we’ve finally called it quits on @inconjunct. The project came together without warning and fizzled out just as spectacularly, which is cool and sad and not atypical: I make myself available to the universe, come what may. Thanks to everyone who supported us while it lasted. Done, done, on to the next one.

by jad

The Dream of Palestine

I shared yesterday how I’m seeing more people talking about Palestine for the first time, and I thought about posting those thoughts in a way that might facilitate further sharing. But as I was thinking about doing that, I started reflecting on how I started talking about Palestine myself. About the people I met along the way, the voices I’ve centered, and the faces I’ve left outside the frame. I’m still going to share what I intended, but I want you to read the rest of this with that interior eye wide open: how did you come to think what … Continue reading “The Dream of Palestine” →