Tag: looking back

by jad

Back in Seattle

What’s that line making the rounds lately? Photography is just time and light? Lebanon is generous with at least one of those. And now I’m back in Seattle where light is less abundant, but I have more time to think. Home is where you’re welcomed back. That’s the thought that’s occurred to me since returning. No need to complicate things more than that. Simply noticing the “welcome home” to “welcome back” ratio (something like 4:1) and appreciating the flux. I’m home when I’m welcomed back to Lebanon. I’m home when I’m welcomed back to Seattle. I say this in a … Continue reading “Back in Seattle” →

by jad

Lebanon: Day 1

We went up to my hometown yesterday. I wanted to visit the different spots my dad liked to visit – a pilgrimage, of sorts. He didn’t have the strength to take us around the usual places last year, but I’m glad that our last and only excursion together before he lost all capacity to move was back to the land of our fathers. A strange land with surrealist characteristics, but the only place on God’s black and red earth that will never call me a stranger and always welcome me home. I joke about how I came back to bring … Continue reading “Lebanon: Day 1” →

by jad

New Year Feelings

I don’t have big feelings coming into this new year; there’s mild trepidation about all that’s brewing over the horizon and slight excitement about that as well. Hope mixed with anxiety, worry mixed with determination, all swirling slowly like leaves at the bottom of a teacup. I’m still taking small sips. This time next week, I’ll be having coffee in Beirut. The same low-frequency sensations are pulsing through my body as I think about that. It won’t be a vacation; I literally have no plans. Just a big question mark; just to be present. I’m trying to settle in that … Continue reading “New Year Feelings” →

by jad

32 Days

I didn’t want to mark a month, busying myself with the various “protagonisms” of the day, broadly understood. But now, 2 days later, the feelings are catching up with me. I’m thinking about all the arguing we’d be doing after the apparent “shattering” of the axis; he’d be telling me not to fall for the propaganda and I’d be insisting that he’s missing my point. I hear his voice in every cringe opinion I listen to among my new-found comrades so wrapped up in their “position in the imperial core” that they forget what it actually means to be “internationalist.” … Continue reading “32 Days” →

by jad

Advent I

Today is the first Sunday of Advent, the start of a season that’s become a bit of a barometer of my mood every year. There have been years when I was energized and engaged, turning the weeks before Christmas into an art project or two, often using the prompts made by @adventword. And there are other years when I felt the exact opposite: drained, dejected, and disengaged. This year feels different in a new way. I’m somewhere in between. I’m busier than ever before, but I don’t want the same old rituals. Or maybe I want to engage with them … Continue reading “Advent I” →

by jad

I’m Dreaming of My Father

An odd sensation brought me to consciousness around 3:30 am this morning; maybe you’ve experienced it too, when the dream state begins to gain lucidity and the director’s commentary becomes audible, and you slowly start to realize that you’re dreaming before you’re awoken. This happened to me, and it left me tossing and turning, dipping and out of sleep for the next four hours. I’d been dreaming of dad. I can’t remember the last time I did that; I’m sure it’s been decades. I realized I was dreaming as we made our way through some Jeff Koons-esque mall and into … Continue reading “I’m Dreaming of My Father” →

by jad

I Grieve The Son

This photo is mostly generative AI. I found a tiny thumbnail of a time before core memory, a mere 960 x 899 pixels and 336 kilobytes of perhaps the most important document in our possession, and ran it through Photoshop’s “generative extend” tool, because I barely recognized it. It was already uncanny. There’s my mother and father, but who is that child? I asked mom and she, with a slight hint of urgency, solved the mystery: “Habibiii it’s youu.” It just didn’t look real. Even the kid looks mildly suspicious. So, I ran the generative fill again and again until … Continue reading “I Grieve The Son” →

by jad

One More Prayer to Keep Me Safe

I’m taking part in a weekly discussion group that touches on topics of (dis)connection and (not) belonging, among other things, and last night, the themes of “purpose” and “gift” came up in conversation. A participant at my table shared how he came to be an end-of-life caretaker, something he never “wanted” but found himself profoundly prepared and equipped to do. He talked about how his journey of finding his purpose was a process of learning to let go of what the ego thinks it wants. This was the second time in two days that the notion of “purpose” has come … Continue reading “One More Prayer to Keep Me Safe” →

by jad

Do Your Cameras Have Names?

Another thing we found while packing up our old place was Christine’s ultracompact digicam from 2014, the Canon PowerShot ELPH 340 HS, aka IXUS 265 HS in other markets. Here are a couple of shots I took on my way back from work today, all unedited and straight out of the camera. The story of how Christine came into possession of this camera that we’d all but forgotten about is pretty cool; in the months before she figured out how she was going to pull off packing up and moving all the way to join me in Lebanon—itself a minor … Continue reading “Do Your Cameras Have Names?” →

by jad

Disposable Memories

I found a disposable Kodak camera while packing up our old apartment that I must have had stuffed in a backpack or something, because it expired in 2014, four years before I moved to Seattle. I have no memory of buying it (was it in the UK?) and after taking a couple of shots with it, I realized that I had only ever taken two frames after I got it. So I used up the rest as we shuttled back and form, half expecting the roll to be completely nonviable—I mean, the thing endured a heat dome and possibly several … Continue reading “Disposable Memories” →